As seen on Usenet: Cookin' With Children

Newborn Parmesan

This classic Sicilian cuisine can easily be turned into Eggplant Parmesan
If you are planning a vegetarian meal. Or you could just as well use
veal; after all, you have to be careful - Sicilians are touchy about
their young family members...

6 newborn or veal cutlets
Tomato gravy (see index)
4 cups mozzarella, 1cup parmesan, 1cup romano
Seasoned bread crumbs mixed with
parmesan
romano
salt
pepper
oregano
garlic powder
chopped parsley
Flour
eggwash (eggs and milk)
Peanut oil for frying.

Pound the cutlets.
Dredge in flour, eggs, then the bread crumb mixture.
Fry till golden brown in 350° peanut oil.
In a baking pan, place a layer of gravy,
then one of meat, gravy, and cheese.
Another layer each of meat, gravy, and cheese.
Then bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Serve on hot pasta with romano cheese.

Southern Fried Small-fry

Tastes like fried chicken, which works just as well.
In fact you may want to practice cutting up whole chickens
for frying before you go for the real thing.
Whole chicken is much more efficient and inexpensive than buying pieces.

1 tiny human, cut into pieces
2 cups flour
Onion, garlic
Salt
pepper
garlic powder
cayenne pepper
hot sauce, etc.
Oil for frying

Mix milk, eggs, hot sauce in a bowl, add chopped onion and garlic.
Season the meat liberally, and marinate for several hours.
Place seasoned flour in a paper or plastic shopping bag,
drop pieces in a few a time, shake to coat thoroughly,
then deep fry in hot oil (350°) for about 15 minutes.
Drain and place on paper towels.

Miscarriage with Mustard Greens

Why waste it? Otherwise, and in general, use ham or salt pork to season
greens.

The technique of smothering greens can be used with many vegetables;
green beans work especially well. Meat is not necessary every day, don't
be afraid to alter any dish to vegetarian tastes.

1 premature baby, born dead
Large bunch of mustard greens
2 white onions, 1 cup chopped celery
Vegetable oil (or hog fat)
Salt, pepper, garlic, etc.

Lightly brown onions, celery, garlic and meat in large heavy pot.
Add a little water and the greens (which should be thoroughly cleaned and
washed).
Smother slowly for at least 2 hours, adding small amounts of water
when it starts to stick.
Stir frequently.
When ready - serve with rice, grilled smoked sausage, green salad, and
iced tea.
Coffee and apple pie then brandy.

Bisque à l'Enfant

Honor the memory of Grandma with this dish by utilizing her good
silver soup tureen and her great grandchildren (crawfish, crab or
lobster will work just as well, however this dish is classically
made with crawfish).

Stuffed infant heads, stuffed crawfish heads, stuffed crab or lobster
shells; make patties if shell or head is not available
(such as with packaged crawfish, crab, or headless baby).
Flour
oil
onions
bell peppers
garlic salt, pepper, etc.
3 cups chicken stock
2 sticks butter
3 tablespoons oil

First stuff the heads, or make the patties (see index)
then fry or bake.
Set aside to drain on paper towels.
Make a roux with butter, oil and flour,
brown vegetables in the roux, then add chicken stock and
allow to simmer for 20 minutes.
Add the patties or stuffed heads, and some loose crawfish,
lobster, long piglet, or what have you.
Cook on low for 15 minutes, then allow it to set for at least 15 min

Bébé Buffet 1

Show off with whole roasted children replete with apples in mouths -
and babies' heads stuffed with wild rice. Or keep it simple with a
hearty main course such as stew, lasagna, or meat loaf.

Some suggestions

Preemie pot pies, beef stew, leg of lamb, stuffed chicken, roast pork
spiral ham,
Cranberry pineapple salad, sweet potatoes in butter, vegetable platter,
tossed salad with tomato and avocado, parsley new potatoes, spinich
cucumber salad, fruit salad
Bran muffins, dinner rolls, soft breadsticks, rice pilaf, croissants
Apple cake with rum sauce, frosted banana nut bread sherbet, home made
brownies
Iced tea, water, beer, bloody marys, lemonade, coffee

The guests select food, beverages, silverware... everything from the
buffet table.
They move to wherever they are comfortable, and sit with whoever they
choose.
Provide trays so your guests will not spill everything all over your
house from carrying too much, nor will they have to make 10 trips back and fourth
from the service stations.

Lemon Neonate

Turkey serves just as well, and in fact even looks a bit like a
well-dressed baby. By the time you turn the child?s breast into
cutlets, it will be indistinguishable. The taste of young human,
although similar to turkey (and chicken) often can be wildly
different depending upon what he or she has consumed during its
10 to 14 months of life...

4 well chosen cutlets (from the breasts of 2 healthy neonates)
2 large lemons (fresh lemons always, if possible)
Olive oil
Green onions
Salt
pepper
cornstarch
neonate stock (chicken, or turkey stock is fine)
garlic
parsley
fresh cracked black pepper

Season and sauté the cutlets in olive oil till golden brown, remove.
Add the garlic and onions and cook down a bit.
Add some lemon juice and some zest, then de-glaze with stock.
Add a little cornstarch (dissolved in cold water) to the sauce.
You are just about there, Pour the sauce over the cutlets,
top with parsley, lemon slices and cracked pepper.
Serve with spinach salad, macaroni and cheese (homemade) and iced tea...

Preemie Pot Pie

When working with prematurely delivered newborns (or chicken) use sherry;
red wine with beef (buy steak or roast, do not pre-boil).

Pie crust (see index)
Whole fresh pre-mie; eviscerated, head, hands and feet removed
Onions, bell pepper, celery
½ cup wine
Root vegetables of choice (turnips, carrots, potatoes, etc) cubed

Make a crust from scratch - or go shamefully to the frozen food section
of your favorite grocery and select 2 high quality pie crusts (you
will need one for the top also).
Boil the prepared delicacy until the meat starts to come off the bones.
Remove, de-bone and cube; continue to reduce the broth.
Brown the onions, peppers and celery.
Add the meat then season, continue browning.
De-glaze with sherry, add the reduced broth.
Finally, put in the root vegetables and simmer for 15 minutes.
Allow to cool slightly.
Place the pie pan in 375 degree oven for a few minutes so bottom crust is
not soggy, reduce oven to 325.
Fill the pie with stew, place top crust and with a fork, seal the crusts
together then poke holes in top.
Return to oven and bake for 30 minutes, or until pie crust is golden
brown.

Cajun Babies

Just like crabs or crawfish, babies are boiled alive!
You don?t need silverware, the hot spicy meat comes off in your hands.

6 live babies
1 lb. smoked sausage
4 lemons
whole garlic
2 lb. new potatoes
4 ears corn
1 box salt
crab boil

Bring 3 gallons of water to a boil.
Add sausage, salt, crab boil, lemons and garlic.
Drop potatoes in, boil for 4 minutes.
Corn is added next, boil an additional 11 minutes.
Put the live babies into the boiling water and cover.
Boil till meat comes off easily with a fork.

Oven-Baked Baby-Back Ribs

Beef ribs or pork ribs can be used in this recipe,
and that is exactly what your dinner guests will assume!
An excellent way to expose the uninitiated to this highly misunderstood
yet succulent source of protein.

2 human baby rib racks
3 cups barbecue sauce or honey glaze (see index)
Salt
black pepper
white pepper
paprika

Remove the silverskin by loosening from the edges,
then stripping off.
Season generously, rubbing the mixture into the baby?s flesh.
Place 1 quart water in a baking pan, the meat on a wire rack.
Bake uncovered in 250° oven for 1½ hours.
When browned, remove and glaze,
return to oven and bake 20 minutes more to form a glaze.
Cut ribs into individual pieces and serve with extra sauce.

Sudden Infant Death Soup

SIDS: delicious in winter, comparable to old fashioned Beef and Vegetable
Soup.
It's free, you can sell the crib, baby clothes, toys, stroller... and so
easy to procure if such a lucky find is at hand (just pick him up from the crib and
he's good to go)!

SIDS victim, cleaned
½ cup cooking oil
Carrots
onions
broccoli
whole cabbage
fresh green beans
potato
turnip
celery
tomato
½ stick butter
1 cup cooked pasta (macaroni, shells, etc.)

Remove as much meat as possible, cube, and brown in hot oil.
Add a little water, season, then add the carcass.
Simmer for half an hour keeping the stock thick.
Remove the carcass and add the vegetables slowly to the stock,
so that it remains boiling the whole time.
Cover the pot

and simmer till vegetables are tender
(2 hours approximately).
Continue seasoning to taste.
Before serving, add butter and
pasta, serve piping with hot bread and butter.

Roast Child with Cornbread Stuffing

Turkey may be substituted for this classic holiday feast.
Although time consuming, this dish seems to take longer than it actually
does;
as the entire house is filled with such a heavenly aroma,
the waiting becomes almost unbearable.

1 whole child, cleaned and de-headed
1 batch cornbread stuffing (see index)
½ cup melted butter

Remove the giblets from the infant and set aside.
Stuff the cavity where the child's genitals and anus were located
using ½ cup per pound of meat.
Tie the arms flat to the body, then pull the skin flaps up to close the
cavity.
Now tie the thighs up tight to hold it all together.
Place breast side up in a large metal roasting pan.
Bake in 325° oven covered for 2 hours.
Remove cover, stick a cooking thermometer deep into one of the
baby's buttocks and cook uncovered till thermometer reads 190°,
about another hour.

Offspring Rolls

Similar to Vietnamese style fried rolls, they have lots of meat
(of course this can consist of chicken, beef, pork, or shrimp).
Who can resist this classic appetizer; or light lunch served with
a fresh salad? Versatility is probably this recipe?s greatest virtue,
as one can use the best part of a prime, rare, yearling, or the
morticians occasional horror: a small miracle stopped short by a
drunk driver, or the innocent victim of a drive-by shooting...

2 cups finely chopped very young human flesh
1 cup shredded cabbage
1 cup bean sprouts
5 sprigs green onion, finely chopped
5 cloves minced garlic
4-6 ounces bamboo shoots
Sherry
chicken broth
oil for deep frying (1 gallon)
Salt
pepper
soy & teriyaki
minced ginger, etc.
1 tablespoon cornstarch dissolved in a little cold water
1 egg beaten

Make the stuffing:
Marinate the flesh in a mixture of soy and teriyaki sauces
then stir fry in hot oil for till brown - about 1 minute, remove.
Stir-fry the vegetables.
Put the meat back into the wok and adjust the seasoning.
De-glaze with sherry, cooking off the alcohol.
Add broth (optional) cook a few more minutes.
Add the cornstarch, cook a few minutes till thick,
then place the stuffing into a colander and cool;
2 hours
Wrap the rolls:
Place 3 tablespoons of stuffing in the wrap, roll tightly -
corner nearest you first, fold 2 side corners in,
wrap till remaining corner is left.
Brush with egg, seal, and allow to sit on the seal for
a few minutes.
Fry the rolls:
325° if using egg roll wraps, 350° for spring roll wraps.
Deep fry in peanut oil till crispy golden brown, drain on paper towels.

Dear Parents: Your kids are helpless wimps

Oh, and you made them that way. Congratulations. You morons.

A world without children

Just for fun, I put the search phrase "world without children" into Google.

The results were interesting and unsurprising.

People are so dependent on children, so dependent on the idea of children, that they can't even allow themselves to imagine the possibility of such a world. Would such a world be nirvana? No, because even though it would have its high points, there is no perfect world, no perfect life. But to not even be able or willing to imagine a life without x, where x = "children" or x = whatever you want it to equal, shows not only a lack of creativity but a deep fear.

I've imagined a life without childfreedom. What I saw ultimately was a life not of fear, but of depression and drudgery. It was an interesting mental exercise that reinforced the wisdom of my personal reproductive decision.

Imagine no x. I wonder if you can.

Special Bulletin

HEY KIDS!

THERE IS NO FUCKIN' SANTA CLAUS!

In other news: Life is tough all over. If finding out there is no Santa Claus is the worst thing that happens to a child, that child has lived a privileged life indeed.